Here I am sitting at my desk at 1am staring past the monitors thinking about life.
Another year is almost over.
And man, what a year.
I would be lying if I said it has not been the most difficult year I've ever experienced.
It has been loss after loss.
Losing battle after losing battle.
I've fought to stay hopeful and positive only to be met with more loss and disappointment.
Every area of my life has been shaken and flipped upside down.
I still keep a smile on my face for the people around me.
Still making a living to support the little ones who now live on the opposite side of the country.
Facing daily memories and reminders of important people I've lost.
A lot has changed and not much it the way I hoped for this year.
I've had to do a lot of soul searching.
Every moment of the past has lead to this very point in time.
What does it mean? What is important? What is it that really matters in this short life?
Who am I and what does it even matter?
Am I doing anything that will be remembered or affect other people in a way that has meaning
or will I just fade into nothing and be forgotten when I pass away?
I know this all sounds very gloomy, but it's reality and I'm doing my best to face it.
I want a break from life to collect myself and figure things out, but that is most likely not possible.
Have I really become jaded? And if I have is it reversible?
Just have to stop and take a deep breath.
Remember what is precious.
Not look at all the bad from the point of view of a victim.
but rather see events that have caused growth and maturity in some way.
Remember my blessings and cherish the good memories and people who have come and gone.
Everything is too overwhelming and it's not doing any good to sit and stew in it.
Feeling angry about things I want to go differently that are completely out of my control only causes depression.
Monty Oum was one of the only people I was blessed to know who seemed to never let the bad stop him from doing what he was passionate about.
I try to do the same and feel a bit less capable. That guy was somethings special and so is his wife Sheena.
The death of her spouse who meant everything to her is only part of what she dealt with.
...someday. Maybe you'll know about it. Telling what happened would only do more harm than good right now.
But knowing what I know, I wish I could give her the woman of the year award for staying strong through it all and not letting it cause her to die inside.
life. thoughts. blah.
We'll get through and continue on.
Part of me says it's a mistake to post something like this here.
Part of me is tired of having to filter things to the point I don't say anything at all.
I dont know. Im tired. I need sleep. And a cheese burger.
Hoping 2016 will be a new season of good things in life.
Watching: One Punch Man
Playing: Axiom Verge